Its a lot less horrendous than deglove, whats the issue? Plus those casinos take forever to walk across and they are saturated in smoke, blech! Theres no scenario that she cant find a worry for. Im also someone that really tries to give the benefit of the doubt though. There are tons of families and people who live in Vegas or visit Vegas and do pretty normal things. Shopping! This. If something written is thought to mean the opposite of what it says that is not reading, it is MISreading. Im also a Chicagoan with an irrational former fiance. I strongly suspect it is not actually about Vegas, but perhaps a trip full of family friendly activities there could solve his issue if it is, in fact, about Vegas. Since frankly the marriage is not healthy do not risk your career, which you need, for him. As it were. Vegas has more hotel rooms than any other city in America, and regular flights to an airport located in the city from every other major city in the country. Yes, its off the strip, but my room was GIGANTIC. Actually if you go off the Strip theres quite a few things to see and do around Vegas (also non-gambler here), desert hikes, assorted museums (notably neon art & the mob), and my personal favorite the Pinball Hall of Fame which has 100+ playable pinball machines (old and new). The husband may need counselling to discover why he willing to sabotage the family bread winner. Casinos are closely monitored and have security, and its a very touristy city, so I imagine there are a lot of people out and about at night (at least near the strip). Theres concern, and then theres overreacting. I was also married to this man. My husband of 23 years has never objected to any business trips Ive taken (not even the week-long trip to the Bahamas when our daughter was 8 months old), so Im chiming in to say that whats going on with your husband is super abnormal in my experience. Good luck, Emma. It is NOT his choice whether you go! She is not the nicest mother in law, either. THIS. My husband is just glad he doesnt have to go with me, because more than a couple of days in Las Vegas is like being stuck inside a kaleidoscope. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. (Also worth mentioning: The ways weve developed the concept of masculinity in the US mean that many guys express anxious feelings as anger, so look out for that too.) You could walk up to the bar to order a drink and tell that person you need some assistance and they are on it in seconds. Dont answer the phone? There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. This educational content is not medical or diagnostic advice. When I hear wholesome I picture a stereotypical 50s scene with aprons and apple pie and gee golly instead of swearing. People buy life insurance for people they love all the time, and dont tell them to stay at home all the time to avoid the risks. A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. I certainly didnt forget that, in case anybodys wondering. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationmobile homes for rent in patterson, la. But theres no need to snark at me for making/agreeing with a suggestion. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. Theres a limit to how much they can make if they limit themselves to those who want risqu and sleavy. And, if not, perhaps he and the OP should take a trip together there (not on one of her business trips). I think that makes all the difference hereOP doesnt just have a grinding job. But if theyre just attending as a participant, they wont be working 20 hours a day. Asking for baseline respect should not be a fraught conversation. Sure, but then the question would be my boss wants me to go on a business trip but I have a new baby/my spouses parent is seriously ill/my house just flooded and I need to deal with insurance/whatever, how should I ask my boss if I can get out of it. Oh, and I think I gambled about $20 on nickel slots. All rights reserved. It can feel very cruel to set boundaries and do what you need to do for yourself when it feels like your partner is suffering, but the accommodations are just very temporary band-aids. OP, we can all surmise the reasons for his behavior as much as we want to, but this sounds like something you and your husband should work out together in counseling (or separately in counseling, if that appeals more to him.) And (2) hes not paranoid, controlling or insecure. I shut that down fast by reminding her I was working an evening shift that ended at 11 PM. Often to far away and less-than-ideal places, safety-wise, sometimes for 2+ weeks at a time, and pretty frequently alone. If youre not going during SXSW or Austin City Limits, you can get hotel rooms consistently for less than $200 in Austin. (Is he really afraid you will be kidnapped or is he being hyperbolic to try to convince you to stay?). Also made me think about the impact TV can have on our beliefs about the world. They might feel left out or unimportant. (except those gun dangers present everywhere in the US.). I think its fine for different people to have different types of relationships. At least, not something like this, which is a very normal part of having a job. Hes not Master of the House. Both individuals will benefit from communication tools to use in challenging this kind of worry-filled thinking. Either theyll know already that it doesnt work that way, or worse, theyll try it and end up handing more ammunition to the husband. The gambling and drinking are pretty easy to not participate in if you dont want to. We live in an at-will dating society, where either party can end the relationship at any time, with or without cause and with or without notice. Ive also gone on holiday with my mum and my grandmother for a week or two at a time. Nobody ever said I wont let you go on that trip, but it certainly wouldnt have ended well if they had. But I loved him, and thought accepting his proposal would reassure him of my love and commitment. On top of everything Allison said, it might work to show him how normal business travel to Las Vegas is. Fortunately, he wouldnt even ask because, (1) jeez, who needs survey results to help you navigate your marriage? Vegas isnt a magical dimension. It doesnt take the anxiety away, but it seemed to dull some of the crazier bits. But its a pretty serious one-off. Not a single word uttered). Youve never met them, but that doesnt mean that they dont exist. Perhaps its Vegass advertising being really effective with him, or perhaps its something larger. Might I suggest Hotwire? I was just coming here to ask if she asked him to Turn his key!. As someone in the convention industry, Vegas puts a LOT of effort into being a top convention destination (low cost, lots of large all-in-one spaces, lots of options for event entertainment), and pretty much every industry will have events that rotate through there. You can drink and dance and play roulette in 43 of the 50 states. Don't exhaust yourselves. Thank you for acknowledging that this is not normal and is something you can work on. Next time, instead ofgoing ontrips together, try eating out orgoing for apicnic. When I was a teen, she wouldnt even let me walk the dog around our boring, gated community if it was dark out. DH and I took our little girl on a 14-hour car trip when she was 4 weeks old (she's 10 weeks now). They did indeed get married, and unsurprisingly, it ended in spectacularly bad fashion. Either his friends are also super controlling and/or prone to irrational fears or he totally fabricated the story about asking if other people would let their wives go to Las Vegas for work. I deal with those worries by making sure he has the tools he needs to accommodate those shortcomings, not by hobbling his life. Security at casinos is greater than that at Fort Knox. If he doesnt trust you, and is otherwise not riddled with anxiety, whats causing that? This concern is not about risk of harm, it is about trust in your judgment. You just reminded me that a lot of Mormon fundamentalist families live in the suburbs of Vegas because people dont bother polygamist families out there like they do in Utah. Other than me being bored out of my skull, nothing happened! (I mean, ideally, theyd shut him down, but hopefully, at the very least, they dont actually agree and are just stuck talking to him about this against their will? But the husband is the asshole how dare he worry about his wife, Absolutely get counseling. This isnt about whether or not the thing Im about to do is dangerousit is about her desire to control what I do. That actually happened to my parents! I suppose, trying to be as charitable as possible, I would agree that Vegas has kind of a skeezy reputation and I would prefer a reputable company to do the trip somewhere more wholesome. Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! They were lost and just wanted to get back to the station, happened to see one guy had a gun and started cryingwhich caused all the guys to worriedly come over, try to calm them down, then send a guy to escort them personally to the train station. my boss told me not to give greeting cards to older men because it could seem sexual, my coworker's husband is texting me and blaming me for their divorce, https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html, my manager and coworker are secretly dating, boss will never give exceeds expectations because he has high standards, and more, update: I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired, stolen sandwiches, disgusting fridges, dish-washing drama: lets talk about office kitchen mayhem, interviewer scolded me for my outfit, job requires an oath of allegiance, and more, update: a DNA test revealed the CEO is my half brother and hes freaking out, my entry-level employee gave me a bunch of off-base criticism. He mad at my company and questions the motives. We can take care of ourselves. This is controlling behavior and its not about your trip or your safety, its about his anxiety. Thats another reason to put off discussions the information just wont register with him while hes anxious. I went to Vegas for an academic conference once and it was soooo super tame. Other National Geographic Family Journeys from G Adventures include bucket-list family vacation destinations like Iceland, Japan, South Africa, Peru, Costa Rica, Morocco, and Vietnam. My (mentally ill) mom does this thing where if theres something she doesnt want me to do, she makes up stories about how dangerous/stupid/inconsiderate/selfish/wrong of me to do it. I would completely understand if my partner were worried if I needed to go on one of these trips, but if he tried to FORBID me from goingyeah, that wouldnt go well for him. Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. Agree with the high level of security even on the streets. All the more reason to get out and build a life with someone who is your partner and not a leach who wants to cripple your independence and your career. Its absolutely true, and she gets so. Yeah theres a mosque and an Islamic centre, but Ive been into both for visit my mosque day and the imam was happy to talk to me (a white non-religious woman) and everyone was very nice and gave us snacks, so yeah. But not wholesome. In *that* sense, I think there can be a legit question about when you can gracefully bow out of a work trip, and when you have to stick it out and go. Companies dont plan things in Vegas to put their employees at risk. And perversely its a lot SAFER than other big cities, because there are eyes everywhere, all the time. Not that I am saying that the Letter Writer should invite her husband. They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. Im all for giving your loved ones the name of the hotel youre staying at and checking in on a nightly basis (Ive done it myself) but if hes being controlling and/or anxious, there may be no amount of information that will be enough to assuage him. Bucks. Whether anxiety is a contributing factor or not, thats all it is. Its probably rooted in a sexist view and I dont know who hes talking to everyone objects to their partners going because thats insane. Thats pretty seriously delusional thinking. Most of them. Or get off? Because were not one being known collectively as The Couple, were two individuals who just really like each other, but also respect each others autonomy. I second Alisons advice that marital counseling is needed. I also suggested going to counseling for professional diagnosis and treatment. Some people get really over the top anxious about things like this such that it becomes its own problem, maybe even more of an independent factor than the sexism thing (which kind of compounds it because its a societal trope that reinforces some of what would otherwise seem more out there on the face of it). One doesnt just spontaneously undo decades of enculturation, on either side, and women are taught that we are *supposed* to accept emotional baggage AND that it is OUR JOB to do the emotional labor of fixing other peoples negative emotional states. If I went home today and told my husband, My work is sending me on a business trip to Las Vegas in 3 months, this would be his response: Wow, honey, thats great! Or the students who rejected their rejection letters when I worked in college admissions. I do sympathize with what you are dealing with. of course im very careful around others who drink and make it a point to be responsible and not get carried away, kwim? I really hate the bad rap Vegas gets. I agree with you on the personal deal-breakers, but thats not the discourse thats going on here at the moment. Yeah, I was in Vegas just a couple of weeks ago. Im not necessarily that suspicious of the friends. I know that many conferences are held there, and wouldnt bat an eye at my fiancee going there without me. In THAT case, that is a super not-normal response, and its very strange that theres a whole group of people who support this thinking. I have friend who grossly exaggerates the number of people who support his stance, nevermind the the biasing in surveying. How entitled can someone be to think that their ex has to justify wanting to break up and have a good cause? And in 2 days Im heading east solo for a wedding. He could use some time and a space where he could work through these anxieties with a therapist who could help him think of ways to handle them better. But please ask yourself if this is an isolated incident, or if there have been other times when your husband has expressed this kind of feeling when you go out with friends for dinner, is it less likely that youll be kidnapped somehow? Group Leaders arent expected to spend any additional time in the community, and are not held to a set schedule. Yes, this. You sound like a real piece of work. And ate a lot of food. I know its easier to say Leave him! to someone else than it is to actually leave your spouse but please know that leaving him over this would not be an overreaction. So its not like its all new. There is plenty to do in Las Vegas that has nothing to do with sin and can be done in any big city (restaurants, shopping, going to theater, etc.). Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. Rape! I might also take your friends statement a step further, and point out that hes the one making your marriage adversarial. Furthermore, Vegas ALSO markets itself as a family vacation and business conference destination. If your husband has never traveled for business, and hasnt traveled much in his personal life, and his friends have similar life experiences, then its no wonder that hes created this scenario where all that happens in Vegas is affairs and crimes. oh, and the dancing fountains at the Bellagio. I am late to this thread but Working Wife, I want you to know that I was in a similar situation when I first married my husband he was excessively concerned with stuff like this, with the subtext that he was afraid I would cheat. Obviously when I say five hours it would be added time for stopping. If I had to plan something like this myself, itd be at the top of my list for a lot of very practical reasons. That hes asked several people for their opinion, and said opinions are I wouldnt let my spouse go to Vegas without me! I think this is a valid suspicion. At this rate, Im going to be too afraid to leave the house until spring, and thats not acceptable. Hecalledme, saying thatI acted childish becauseI pushed him totakeme, and Ieavesdropped. Wow. Im so sorry, Emma. The reason companies go there is because theres big convention centers and lots of cheap flights. My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. It probably wont improve the relationship to say this directly to him, but it is definitely something to keep in mind. She doesnt like it when I had lied to her but its alright to lie to me and Im not welcome to come along and stay in a another hotel. I noticed that as well. Yes its a confusing sentence but I believe the OP comments elsewhere that she wrote what she meant, the people her husband polled WOULD allow their significant others to go. Gamboling is a type of frolicking around without a care in the world. Hes already proven himself to be irrational, I think his presence will not help LW even a little. I know you know this, Anonymous Poster, but I want to add something to this statement. I hope that isnt what this turns out to be, but whatever it is, its not good. If youre not and this is out of the blue, it really sounds like his anxiety is getting the best of him (especially with the note about kidnapping), and he might need more individual help. ), but she saw danger everywhere. I have to comment on this one. Meanwhile, Im building a scene in my head where shes been kidnapped and terrible things are happening to her. You just cant. Blergh. Ive now chosen to travel for my job to offset he loneliness. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. Maybe he has heightened anxiety. So we'd do 2 four- hr stretches with one long stop in btwn. BUT, I dont actually think thats the most likely explanation for his issues. I gave the ring back soon after. Yup, agreed. Well, yeah, it has a bad rep, that they intentionally, though jokingly, promote with the What happens in Vegas and Sin City marketing campaigns. 4.
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